Two Promises and a Pulse
by Diary
Summary: Luke makes a mistake while on a business trip. He and Reid don't deal with the consequences as well as they could. Complete. Edited slightly.


Disclaimer: I do not own As the World Turns.

* * *

"And when he gets out-"

"Luke," Alison interrupts, "honey, we all try to avoid your boyfriend as much as possible. Now, I'm sorry you and Katie are both out of town, but Doctor Oliver is going to have to fend for himself post-surgery. I'll call you if he ends up in jail."

He sighs. "Could you, at least, tell him I love him?"

"Alright," she agrees, "I can do that, but otherwise, he's on his own."

"Thanks, Allie. Bye."

She kisses him, and as he boards the plane, he tries to assure himself Reid will be fine. The surgery will go off brilliantly, and Reid will probably still be sleeping off the fifteen hours or so when Luke gets back.

Unfortunately, he just can't shake the feeling something bad is going to happen and he won't be there when Reid needs him. Problems with the surgery –a seven-year-old, and Reid hates operating on kids as much as he loves it- or some Oakdale disaster striking during the few days he's away.

Reid had booked the ticket for him, made sure his suitcase was properly packed, and kissed him, telling him, _Go save the world one summer camp for sick kids at a time, and resist the urge to blackmail any world-class neurosurgeons you happen to come across._

As he sits down, a worried-looking flight attendant inquires, "Would you like some champagne, sir?"

"Actually," he says, "I'll take some ginger ale, please."

When she reappears with the ginger ale and some crackers, asking if she can get him some aspirin or earphones, he realises he really needs to put his worries aside and focus on why he's making the trip in the first place.

…

By the time the plane lands, he's focused on his mission.

He checks into the hotel, calls his parents to let them know he's arrived safely, and then, takes a cab to the site. "Miss Thomson," he says, meeting one of the directors, "hi, I'm Luke Snyder."

Alicia Thomson smiles and shakes his hand. "You're a life-saver," she says. "My partner and I have been trying to get funding for three years, and every time it looked like we might getting somewhere, well, we ended right back in square one."

"Believe it or not, I can understand that," he tells her. "And I have a mess of siblings, some of them whom I'm still helping raise."

Shaking her head, she puts her hand around her swollen belly. "I'm having twins, and I'm an only child."

"You're also a brilliant childcare specialist," he answers, smiling. "I've seen the work you and Miss Clinton have done."

"Thank you," she answers. "Ready for a partial tour? It's not really the same without the kids here."

As she shows him around, she asks, "Did you bring anyone with you? Mia's lived here her whole life, and if she wanted, she could have made an excellent tour guide. She always knows the right places to recommend."

"No, just me. My boyfriend's an honest to God brain surgeon, and he's busy with a surgery. I'm thinking I'll stick to the torture and room service during my free time here."

"I'd normally protest that children are not the torturous monsters everyone believes them to be, but I suppose the gig is up with you, isn't it?"

He laughs as they go into her office and look down at the plans she withdraws.

…

When he gets back to the hotel, he stops at the desk. "Excuse me," he says, quietly, "I'm Luke Snyder from 108. I was wondering if I have any messages."

"Just a second, please," the man answers as he types. "No, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, thank you," he says, turning to leave and stopping when he hears a nearby voice.

"Are you sure storage won't be a problem," Noah's voice inquires.

Turning to the side, Luke sees him three clerks town, video gear in tow.

He hesitates, but before he can make a decision, Noah turns slightly, seeing him.

"Luke!"

"Hey, Noah," he answers, moving over to hug him. "Here to make another award winning movie?"

Noah grins. "I still can't believe I've already won one."

"Of course, you did," he answers. "It was brilliant."

"I'm doing a commercial, actually. A favour for a friend. And I think you're required to say that," Noah teases.

"Have you met my grandmother and my boyfriend?"

"Here, let me get this taken care of, and we can talk," Noah answers. Once he does, they walk together, and he asks, "How is Reid? Is he here?"

"No. He's doing well. He has a surgery back home."

"They're in good hands. Hey, have you had dinner? Would you like to grab some?"

"Sure," Luke agrees. "You can tell me all about this commercial."

"Only if you tell me all about your newest project."

…

At dinner, after they've talked about the commercial and the summer camp, he says, tentatively, "So- are you seeing anyone?"

"Sort of," Noah answers, smiling. "It's casual right now," he says, getting out his cell phone and showing Luke a picture of him and a handsome, Asian-looking man. "Neither of us is a good place for a serious commitment. His name is Tommy Liu."

"How'd you meet him?"

"His mom's a private eye."

He studies Noah's face and sees he's serious. "Wow."

"Yeah. Anyway, he's learning the family trade, and they had a case in Atlanta, where I was working with Director Kline. Someone stole my camera, and that person happened to be the woman they were doing surveillance on. He called me, we met up, and there was just a connection, you know?"

"I'm happy for you," he says, finishing his food. "Remember, if it does become serious, you have to bring him to the farm to meet the others."

"Got it," Noah agrees. Then, he asks, "What about Reid? Is he still treating you right?"

"Yes," he answers, firmly, frowning.

"Hey," Noah says, gently, holding his hands up, "if you're allowed to be worried about me, I'm allowed the same.

"Fair enough," he agrees, relaxing.

"Want a sneak peek at my brilliant unfinished commercial that's going to completely redefine the genre?"

"Sure," he answers, laughing.

…

"Sometimes, I can't really believe it," Noah tells him, both of the scrawled out on the bed, a bowl of popcorn between them. "That this is all real. I spent so many years under the Colonel and then with one bad thing after another happening in Oakdale. The fact I'm really out in the world, getting to do what I love, not having to answer to anyone but myself- sometimes, I feel like I'm still just a kid, dreaming, and I'm going to wake up at any minute."

"Yeah, I understand," he answers. "Sometimes, at home, I look at Reid or I pause while I'm doing something for the foundation, and I realise, I'm living with the man I love, and I'm doing important work. Sometimes," he confesses, "I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and still be the same loser who had no real direction and all this feelings I couldn't deal with."

"Here's to us," Noah says, holding his coke can out in toast.

"Here's to us," Luke agrees, as he clinks his can against Noah's.

…

After playing hide-and-seek, chase, numerous other games that involve running, Luke is exhausted.

"Now, I remember why- actually, I don't know," he complains, looking up at Noah from the bed. "My brain is exhausted. I might not ever be able to move without pain again."

"As sorry as I feel for you, you promised to help me with my editing."

"I think my job technically only calls for paperwork, overseeing the site, and meetings," he continues.

"The day Luke Snyder doesn't happily play with little kids is the day the world starts to worry," Noah answers, throwing a towel at his face.

"Lucky we're not together, or I could claim abuse and non-support," he mutters, carefully sitting up.

"Aw, getting old, Snyder?"

Luke chucks the towel back.

"Alright, what do you need me to do?"

"You can start by getting me some chips?"

"I'm just a glorified errand boy, aren't I?"

"Yep," Noah answers, grinning.

Shaking his head, Luke goes to get some chips from the vending machine and asks the front desk if he has any messages. "Yes, sir," the clerk answers as she hands one to him.

_Dr Reid is out of surgery, it was a success, and was sound asleep when I left him. Also, you're responsible for restocking Memorial's pixie stix supply, _from Alison Stewart-Hughes.

Feeling relieved, Luke goes back up to Noah's. "Chips, Mister Director," he says, tossing them.

"Thanks," Noah says, motioning for him to come over. "Now, I'm going to adjust the lightening. When the grass starts to get a bluish tint, tell me."

…

"I appreciate all your help," Noah says, as Luke's getting ready to leave.

"Hey, what's an almost four year relationship if you can't make a lackey out of your ex-boyfriend?"

Noah opens the door and smiles.

Suddenly, he's kissing Noah.

"Oh, shit," he mutters, breaking way. "What did-"

"Luke! Luke!"

A hand around his wrist brings him back to reality, and he sees he's in the hallway. "Luke-"

"Look, Noah, I'm really sorry, especially if this messes up things with Tommy, but I can't- I love Reid, and I don't know what in the hell that was."

"I'm sorry, too," Noah says, quietly, carefully letting go of his wrist. "Luke, believe me when I say I don't want to cause problems with you and Reid."

"It's on me," he assures him, mind whirling.

"I was there, too," Noah says, softly. "Tommy and I have agreed we can be with other people. But-"

"Noah," he says, taking a deep breath and looking him in the eyes, "this wasn't your fault. This is between me and Reid. I need to go, but- don't let this ruin your trip."

…

In his room, he hits his head against the wall, feeling like the screwed up kid he apparently still is.

Sighing, he calls Reid, half-hoping Reid will answer and half-hoping he'll sleep through the call.

Voicemail comes on, and he says, trying to control the tears, "Hey, sorry to call so late. I- had a bad day, but everything's fine. I love you."

Once the message is left, he wonders what he just did.

Sinking down on the bed, he closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing.

Reid's at home, in their apartment, in their bed, and Luke kissed his ex-boyfriend. Reid was excited for him. Reid convinced him to go, because he didn't have the same warning feeling Luke did, the feeling something might happen to Reid if he left.

Well, he thinks, bitterly, I was right.

He just never thought-

Once Noah left, Reid always seemed like he had one foot out the door, making Luke wonder if he'd made a mistake and should just end things, somehow manage to get over Reid, and focus on learning how to be happy single.

He still remembers the day that changed. They'd been arguing over some sports game, and Reid glanced over at him, and then, froze. Before he could react, Reid had muttered, _You are happy_.

Finally, everything had felt right. The sex was better, they moved in together soon after, and things have been wonderful since.

Until now, because, even if Reid forgives him, he doesn't think he can ever soothe Reid's insecurities in regards to Noah again.

Why had he kissed Noah?

The thought of not telling Reid enters his head, and he scoffs. That sort of omission always works. In fact, it works so well that he has a whole list of people and destroyed relationships that shows just how damn well it doesn't work.

Sitting up, his eyes fall on the minibar, and he's halfway to it when the thought of, 'You've already broken one promise, why not break another, Snyder,' pops into his head.

Reid may hate him, but Luke knows he wouldn't want him to end up hospitalised due to kidney failure, if only because Reid spends every day at the hospital.

Moreover, that's not fair, he knows, because Reid may have admittedly limited empathy, but he does care deeply, passionately for people. It's why he's a surgeon. It's why he whispered on their first night in their apartment together, _You're stuck with me, Ritchie Rich. Don't you dare do anything to put your health in jeopardy. I don't care anymore if it's weakness or not, I **need** you. I love you too much to lose you. _

…

He plays with the children, finalises the details, and flies home, managing not to start shaking when he's offered champagne on the plane.

"Hey," Allie says when he finds her at the hospital, kissing him. "I would have thought you'd go straight home."

"Can I talk to you," he blurts out.

"Of course," she says, giving him a concerned look and leading him to an empty room. Her hand is cool and soft against his forehead. "What's wrong? Are you feeling sick?"

"I met Noah," he says, shaking his head. "We were in the same hotel. And I didn't mean for it to happen. What if- what if a person kisses someone, but they didn't mean to, and it didn't mean anything? There's no harm in them not telling their boyfriend, is there?"

"Oh, sweetie," she says, giving him a look that helps a tiny bit. It's full of sympathy and understanding with no judgement. "Luke, what did- Listen," she says, taking his hand. "Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't define who they are as a person. I know you probably don't believe that at the moment, but I want you to keep repeating it."

He nods, numbly.

"There's no judgement, but your kidney- do you need to see-"

"No. I promise I haven't drank, and I've taken my medicine."

Nodding, she squeezes his hand. "What happened?"

"I told you. Noah was there, we hung out, and for some stupid reason I don't even understand, I kissed him."

"Was that as far as it went?"

"Yes!"

"No judgement," she repeats.

"Sorry," he mutters, taking a breath.

"It's your decision," she says. "We both know how keeping such secrets can backfire, sometimes horribly. But you have to decide for yourself what you think is the best."

"I don't want to lose him."

Putting her head against his shoulder, she says, gently, "You have to live with yourself. And I know how cliché and unhelpful that sounds, believe me, but it's the truth. You have to make peace with your decisions. You can't control how other people react to you or your mistakes. But," she adds, in a hopeful tone, "sometimes, they surprise you. You don't know until you give them the chance."

"I have to tell him, don't I?"

"I'd strongly advise that," she answers. "But I won't say you have to."

Turning, he kisses her cheek. "I'm glad you're making peace and becoming the person you want to be, but I want you to know I'm proud of you."

…

Reid is sound asleep on their bed when he gets home, curled around Luke's pillow.

He takes a shower, and then, picks up Reid's phone. Finding the voicemail he left, he hesitates for a moment, and then, erases it.

Wiping away the tears, he slides into bed, feeling everything settle when Reid shifts and, eyes still closed, pushes the pillow aside and reaches over, making contact. He opens his eyes blearily as he pulls Luke closer, whispering a hoarse, somewhat guttural, "Hey."

"Hey," Luke answers, shifting closer.

"Love you," Reid murmurs, pressing an open-mouth kiss against the corner of his mouth.

Luke shifts, opening his mouth, feeling love coursing to and from his body as they kiss, slow and deep. "Love you, too." He finds his hand going past Reid's sweats, and he knows everything can be okay. He's here, with Reid, safe and loved, and Reid's here, with him, safe and loved, and that's all that matters.

Unfortunately, he also knows better.

Breaking away, he takes a breath to reorient himself, redirecting Reid's hand. "We need to talk."

Reid blinks, and then, he's fully awake. "What happened," he asks, stretching and sitting up to fully look at Luke.

Sighing, Luke sits up and leans back. "While I was in San Diego, I met Noah; he was there for a commercial, and we'd checked into the same hotel."

Glancing over, he sees Reid looking at him with a carefully neutral expression.

"You have to believe it didn't mean anything," he says, desperately. "It didn't go beyond- I kissed him."

"You kissed Noah Mayer."

Desperately, he reaches out to touch Reid, relieved when he's not rebuffed. "It was a stupid mistake."

"Maybe, it wasn't," Reid says, looking down at his watch. "I'm going to go see if Katie has any birthday cake leftover."

"Reid- please-"

"What's to say," Reid asks, peeling off his shirt and exchanging it for a different one. "The whole reason I'm here is because of Noah."

"I thought it was because you're in love with me."

"I'll talk to you, later."

"Reid-"

However, Reid's already out the door.

…

"You can judge me," Luke insists as he and Casey sit near the pond.

"I think you're doing a good enough job of that without my help," Casey answers, giving him a sad grin. "C'mon, dude. Out of all the things you could have done down there, one kiss that didn't mean anything isn't anything I can judge."

"What if I've lost Reid?"

Casey's quiet for a moment. "Look, it's no secret I love Noah. He's my friend, too, and I get the feeling he still- you're still his one."

"Casey, now is not the time to try to get me to get back together with Noah," he snaps. "There never is a good time, but while I'm sitting here, trying desperately not to drink because I might have just lost the man I'm in love with, that takes the cake in not being the right time!"

He tenses when he feels Casey's hand on his wrist. "Hey," Casey says, softly. "I know. Listen, Doctor Oliver's always been insecure when it comes to Noah. And right now, you're desperate and willing to say and do whatever to convince him otherwise. That probably isn't going to work. How long did you stay with Noah even though some part of you knew that things just weren't working?"

"Too long," he admits, looking down.

"Be angry. Be firm. But whatever you do, don't make this about Doctor Oliver forgiving you. Make this about him seeing that, stupid mistake aside, you don't want Noah; you want him."

"Of course, I want that," he says, confused. "I'm not going to get that if Reid's angry and can't trust me, though, am I?"

"You know him better than I do, but what if you kissed some random guy? Huh? You met this guy while you were there, you talked, he was nice and handsome, and before you could think, you'd kissed him. How do you think your boyfriend would feel?"

"If I'd kissed a random guy, that would be a sign that something was wrong. With me, with our relationship, something."

Lying back against the grass, Casey asks, "What did kissing Noah mean?"

"I don't know," he says, desperately. "I don't want Noah, I don't want someone else. It just- for a second, I guess I was back in old times. Old times that I'm happy are over."

"Why are you happy they're over? If things were that terrible with you and Noah, I suck as a friend for never noticing."

"They weren't terrible. I was in love with Noah, and for a while, we were happy. But things happened, and I'm in love with Reid. I want to be with him. Once we- I'll spare you and just say 'took our relationship to a more permanent level', until yesterday, I felt more sure about us being together forever than I ever did about Noah and I when we were together.

"You could have spared me more if you didn't have that sappy, faraway look in your eyes when you said that," Casey grumbles. Then, sitting up, he says, "Alright, there's nothing wrong with your relationship, you just made the same mistake, only it was with a random man instead of Noah. How do you think Doctor Oliver would react?"

"Well, obviously, he wouldn't be happy, but I'd feel better about my chances of being forgiven."

"Why?"

"Because, I told Reid going in that I was bound to make stupid mistakes."

_Isn't that what people in relationships do? I will, too. I still lay odds we'll do better than all the other couples in this soap opera town._

"And if it was just some guy, I'd probably be able to convince him that it was just one of them. But when- When he first showed interest in me, even though I was interested, too, I was still trying to desperately cling to Noah. And when I started to actually fall for him, I was scared and still kept trying to convince myself I couldn't be over Noah so quickly."

Sighing, he lies back. "When I finally realised and came to terms, he was so insecure about Noah that it hung over us. I still don't know what I finally did or what finally happened to get him to let go of all that. But yeah, kissing Noah, he's not going to see this as me screwing up, he's going to see this as me wanting Noah."

"Which is why, if you go after forgiveness, he's only going to think it's for that. You have to convince him you don't want Noah. And then, once he believes that, you can work on rebuilding trust and all that."

"What if I can't?"

"I don't know," Casey admits, his voice filled with apology and sympathy. "But he loves you so much that he's going to want to believe it. Whatever you have to do to encourage that."

…

The sound of fingers snapping wakes him up.

"Dare I even ask why you're on the couch? I've never understood-"

"Reid," he says, wiping his face and standing up. "We need to talk."

"Do you want Noah?"

"No," he answers, automatically, reaching over. "It wasn't that. I promise you. Please, believe how much I want you."

Reid moves forward and kisses him, and as it intensifies, Luke shivers at how desperate it feels. Hot, passionate, and just as wrong as it did after Noah's surgery complications. Part of him is tempted to let it happen, to use his body to try to show Reid how much he loves him, wants him, but as Reid's hand only briefly skims over the transplant scar before going to his pants, he breaks away. "Reid, not like this. Let me talk."

Shaking his head, Reid moves away. "We're right back to where we started."

"No, we're not," he insists, ignoring the tears. "This-"

"You're only worth so much, Mr Snyder," Reid says, causing another shiver in Luke at the cold, flatness of his words. "I only fight losing battles when it comes to medicine."

"Please," he begs, moving forward.

Refusing to let him touch him, Reid continues, ignoring him, "Human lives are easier to save and lose than this. I know when I lose a life, I did everything I could, and the yet to be controlled part of nature won. This? I'm not equipped to fight, and when I try, I end up losing more and more."

"Reid!"

"No. I'm done."

"What does that mean?"

"Whatever you want it to," is the toneless answer that shakes him to the core. "If you want me to stay, I'll stay. If you want Noah, do us both a favour and go to him. But whether I stay or not, this is me checking out, cutting my losses, whatever the appropriate cliché descriptor would be."

"Some relationship," he snaps, swiping at his tears and feeling the shaking build up in his body. "I don't even get a say."

"You had a say. You used it kissing Noah. Actions speak louder than words."

They both jump when Reid's pager goes off.

Sighing, Reid grabs his coat but hesitates when he gets to the door. "You want to talk?"

"Yes! That's what I've been-"

"Then, don't drink," Reid interrupts. "I'll come back later, and we can try- talking. You owe me that much."

"Alright," he agrees, shakily. "I love you."

Reid leaves, not returning the words, but some part of Luke hopes that _Then, don't drink_ was the sentiment in another form. Reid still cares, still wants him to be okay, and maybe, they can go from there.

…

After the emergency surgery is done, Reid sits down in the lounge and rubs his head, wondering if he should check into the Lakeview. If Luke doesn't go back to one of his parents, he's not going to fight over the apartment. It was always supposed to be temporary, and buying out the lease will be much simpler than having to deal with the memories.

He feels something rubbing against his arm.

Turning slightly, he sees Natalie Snyder looking up at him. She gives him a tentative grin and deliberately rubs her head against him.

"Hey, kid," he says, reminding himself that, broken relationship or not, Luke will be on the warpath if he too severely insults one of the miniature Snyders. "What are you doing here?"

"Check-up for Faith's baby."

"Ah," he answers.

She pulls a chair up and sits down. "I heard what happened with Luke and Noah."

"Of course, you did," he mutters.

"I heard because I was eavesdropping."

"Well, I'm sure you have a whole list of ways to gloat written in your sparkly, glittery, hot pink pen, but trust me, you doing that now would be a mistake."

"Doctor Oliver, I'm thirteen. I use normal pens, and whatever my feelings towards you, I love Luke. I want him to be happy."

Before he can get up and leave, she pushes her foot against his knee and continues, "Sometimes, I want to go back to being littler. Things were easier, and I didn't have all this things I had to do. The future wasn't so scary."

"I'm not interested in your teenage angst."

"It's not angst," she answers. "That's like melodrama, right? Or is it like sadness? Never mind. It's just a fact, you know? Allie was in, um, adult movies and had a problem with drugs, and the first time she almost married Casey, she, um, you know, did _it_ with that guy. Casey did bad things when he was a teenager. You know more about what's happened with Luke than I do."

He looks at her. "Should you even be talking about such things? Or at least, to me, of all people?"

"I think I understand," she says, ignoring the questions. "When everything started going right, they got scared, like I do. I don't mean to, but sometimes, I snap at my parents or Ethan. I try not to, but I do. Sometimes, I still like watching Joey the Dinosaur and using sparkly pink pens, just not around others and on my schoolwork. Luke loves you, and he's happy living with you. He's happier than he has been in a long time. He got scared, so, he messed things up, that's all."

"That's not how adults are supposed to handle things," he says.

He figures she'll accept and understand that more than she will being told Luke wasn't scared. This wasn't him panicking at being too happy. This was the fact he settled and still is, something that Reid never should have convinced himself of otherwise. Noah Mayer may have been vaguely emotionally abusive and not appreciated Luke the way he should have, but Reid himself is a proof a person can't always control how deeply they feel, even if they'd be better off not feeling it for a particular person.

"You got in a relationship with someone who kidnapped you," she answers, sounding thoroughly unimpressed. "You know why Luke needed a new kidney when he was fifteen. You know why he isn't in college. You probably know more about what he did to Brian that made him and Grandma get divorced or annulled or whatever than I do."

"Point taken," he mutters, feeling a new tide of affection quickly building towards the teenage girl who once declared that she hated him.

"I understand being little, even if I didn't really understand things back then. I don't usually understand things now."

"Yeah, well," he says, reaching over and awkwardly poking her shoulder, "you understand more than you realise."

"Luke's always been there whenever I needed him, no matter what I did or needed, and I know he always will be," she informs him. "I know, he's done bad things, and he has grownup things that I'm not part of. But that's okay, because that's all I need to know. And I don't know what, but if you hurt him just because he got scared and made a mistake, I'll make you sorry."

He laughs and finds himself smiling at her.

Giving him a shy grin, she removes her foot.

…

Going home (just an apartment, Oliver; you're not getting that house you've been secretly wanting), he feels his heart constrict when he sees Luke asleep, head on his pillow rather Luke's own.

Why, he wonders, hating the helplessness persistently resting inside, did I kiss you? Why did I keep taunting and pushing? Why did I think I could be the one who could make you happy?

His arrogance is earned as far as he's concerned. He was dissecting frogs when he was six and mixing chemicals when he was eight. Hard work and a natural aptitude have made him respected in the medical community.

What in the hell does he know about relationships, though? One bad one in his past, a brief period of promiscuity in response, and then, a string of committed sexual relationships that ended amicably.

Taking a breath, he gets into bed, reaching over to kiss Luke.

…

When Reid left, Luke had crawled into bed and breathed in the scent on Reid's pillow until he fell asleep.

Now, caught between sleep and wake, hoping it's not a dream, he feels Reid's solid presence slide into bed and gently touch him, mouth meeting his, and he responds eagerly, trying to force his eyes open against the desire to keep the closed and let the pleasure wash over him. His need to see Reid's blue eyes, knowing he'll be able to read them, wins.

He only has his eyes open briefly, though, before Reid's hand is on the scar, gently tracing it, and it feels something like relief.

When his hands find Reid's pants, Reid stills them with his free hand. "I'm too tired right, now. Let's talk in the morning."

"Okay," he agrees, turning over and curling back against Reid.

"I love you," Reid whispers, a gentle kiss on his neck, hand reconnecting to the scar.

"Love you, too, so much," he insists before sleep overtakes him.

…

In the morning, Luke wakes up first and looks at Reid.

Fear grips him as the realisation, sharper than ever, grips him: I could lose him. I could lose this.

Reid's usually so soft in his sleep, this morning being no exception. He's loose-limbed and blank-faced, curled around Luke's pillow now that Luke's gotten out of his clutches. Reid, Luke had been amazed to learn, could fall asleep flat on his back, and within moments of sleep hitting, he'd wrap himself around the nearest person or thing his arms could come into contact with. If there was absolutely nothing nearby, he press his arms against himself, his hands tucking into his armpits.

Sometimes, Reid's lips will pucker and his brow will furrow, not a frown or a sign of distress, but a sign he's thinking within his dreams. Whenever he sees Reid making that face, when Reid's awake, he'll ask what he was dreaming, what he was thinking about. Sometimes, the answer is that Reid doesn't remember, which always makes him vaguely sad.

Reid never refuses to answer, and when he does remember, he'll tell Luke, no matter how silly or complicated, but some part of Luke feels as if the times Reid doesn't remember, he's missing something important about Reid.

Now, Reid shifts and opens his eyes, looking down at the pillow and frowning.

"I'm here," Luke says, reaching over and putting his hand on Reid's shoulder.

…

Once they're up, Reid starts fixing breakfast and says, "Talk. Ball's in your court."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. It isn't because I want Noah." He doesn't want to say what comes next. Trembling, he continues, "I don't want this to be the end for us, but if you can't or won't forgive me-"

There's a sigh from Reid, and he's startled when he feels his tears being wiped away. Looking up, he sees Reid's eyes boring into his. Automatically, he opens his mouth when Reid leans forward.

"I need time," Reid says, breaking the kiss. "I'm not angry. I don't want this to be the end, either. But things aren't okay. I guess I'm understanding some of what you were going through, huh?"

"But- you'll give us a real chance? This isn't you clocking out?"

Shaking his head, Reid says, "I was angry when I said that. Give me some time, Luke, and we'll see."

"Okay," he agrees, unhappy but realising how reasonable this is. He remembers all the people he took too long to forgive, and all the people he had to work hard to gain forgiveness from. It's rarely given right away.

Time, patience, and trust rebuilt, although rebuilding can only be done after clemency is granted.

"I love you."

Everything still hurts, but those quiet, sincere words from Reid make the hope rapidly rise in his heart.

…

Every day, Luke resists the urge to drink.

Things are- sometimes, he's afraid Reid has simply clocked out and is waiting for Luke to finally end things.

He knows Reid isn't that guy. Reid has always made it extremely clear he isn't.

Still, some part of him is afraid Reid has decided that, rather than dealing with everything involved in breaking up with Luke, he'll just- endure for the time being.

They don't have sex, and Reid spends a lot of time with Katie.

What gives him a sense of hope is the 'I love yous' and kisses are as frequent as ever, and sometimes, they'll be doing something, whether watching TV, talking about their day, arguing over chores, or just walking through town together, and it'll feel right. Reid will be fully there, and so will he.

Then, though, inevitably, the feeling of them being more like roommates than boyfriends will return.

Now, his mom is standing in their apartment and talking about him convincing Noah to come down for Noah's birthday.

He loves his family, truly, but sometimes, he wonders if he wouldn't have near as many problems if not for them. His mistakes are his own, fine, but they sure as hell don't make it easier to fix his mistakes once he makes them.

It's not that he doesn't think Noah shouldn't come. His family is Noah's family, something that's unlikely ever to change. He already has Noah's present wrapped, and if Noah doesn't come, he'll send it.

It's just, his mom could have talked to him privately instead of right in front of Reid, her tone making it clear she thinks Reid is personally responsible for Noah's emailed declinations.

"I think you should," Reid says, startling him.

"Reid-"

Walking over, Reid slips his hand through his. "You've told me often enough Noah is your family. What's the point of everyone being upset over him not? I don't have a problem with it."

"Great!" his mom says, giving Reid a puzzled look.

"Really," Reid says, kissing him. "He's always going to be a part of your life. Might as well get used to that."

The words do nothing to soothe Luke's fears.

It's close enough to what Reid's said in the past, but Reid has always been grudgingly accepting and somewhat bitter, which bothered Luke. Now, he'd take that over this, Reid's almost indifference.

What he did to try to fix things with Noah didn't work, obviously, and he swore if anyone ever made him feel this way again, he'd leave.

Yet, here I am. Not leaving, he thinks, heavily.

…

Reid blinks as he feels his pager being removed from his belt.

Looking over, he sees Natalie, who gives him a mischievous smile.

"Hand it over," he orders. "I'm not above-"

Rolling her eyes, she kicks him in the leg, showing off her soccer-playing strength in the process. She motions for him to follow, holding a finger to her lips.

"This creepy child shtick isn't going to cut it," he tells her, half-limping. "Give me my-"

Another kick, and he feels the pager pressed in his hand. "Listen," she hisses, barely audible.

He looks around and quickly realises he's near the barn.

Then, he hears why he was led here.

"Doctor Oliver seems distant," Noah's voice says.

Sighing, he's briefly aware of Natalie skipping away as he moves so that he can see inside the barn. Luke and Noah are sitting together.

"It's not your fault," Luke says, sounding so miserable it hurts. "It- He said he needed time."

Noah shifts. "I know it's not my place, but it kind of seems like he's already decided-"

"I know," Luke answers, softly. "You know, one of the things I've always thought was so admirable about him, even when it's infuriating, is, no matter what, he's honest about what he feels. I know he loves me, but is staying a matter of pride for him? Or, I don't know, is he crueller than I thought, and this is my punishment? I mean, he loves me, but having him so close, falling asleep in his arms, waking up with his hand on my scar, but never knowing if today's the day he's going to forgive me or if it's the day he's going to pack up and leave, it's torture."

He didn't then, but now, Reid deserves the punch Noah gave him.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry, Noah. Today's your birthday. You deserve better than having me cry on your shoulder."

"You deserve better."

The truth of those words hits Reid as Luke protests.

…

When Luke and Noah come back in, he goes over while Noah quickly moves away.

"Hey," Luke says, quietly. "Noah and I were in the barn. Nothing happened."

"Could we leave early?"

"Yeah, sure," Luke agrees, waving his dad over.

…

"Reid, I promise, Noah and I just-" Luke starts as they enter the apartment.

"I'm hurting you in the same way he did, and just like you did then, you're just taking it. How badly has living in this town, with your family, most of whom I suspect are clinically insane, screwed you up?"

He's aware that could have been expressed better.

Second part: He doesn't particularly care.

"Okay," Luke says, quietly, "well, you're finally talking to me, at least. What do you want, Reid? If I could take that kiss back, I would. I can't. I don't know what I have to do to prove how much I love you, but frankly, I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it."

"It's not," he answers, firmly. "You love me, I've got that. Your sister, Natalie, took me to the barn, and I heard some of your conversation. You're putting up with the same sort of crap he put me through, because, just like you loved him, you love me. And he's right, which I hate to admit, but I'm nothing if not brutally honest. I wish I could be the right guy for you, but-"

"Reid- shut up. I'm going to get us something to drink, and then, we're actually going to talk about this. Both of us."

…

"What did you feel when I told you about the kiss," Luke asks, sitting down.

He knows the best way of coming to a resolution, hopefully one that doesn't break his heart, is if he keeps firm control over the conversation. Reid's already made up his mind (again), but he's willing to talk.

"Scared," Reid answers as he plays with the label around his soda. "Later, I was angry, but I wasn't then. It was the day I'd almost convinced myself wouldn't come."

"Me leaving?"

"Yeah," Reid answers, still refusing to look over.

"Are you still angry?"

"No," and thankfully, Reid looks up, giving a clear view to his eyes. "I wasn't angry for long. It's not nothing, but you sharing one kiss with someone would probably have been easier to deal with than you kissing your ex-boyfriend, who, for him, you blackmailed and kidnapped to help, followed by entering a relationship with me while still making it clear you weren't over him."

"I'm not in love with him."

"I believe that, now."

"Then, what's the problem?"

Reid hesitates.

"Reid, tell me."

"I don't know why I thought getting involved with you was a good idea."

He supposes, no matter how that hurts, he has to give Reid the fact that that's fair.

"Don't get that look. On a purely sexual level, we work. We have fun together beyond that. But you want to save the world and love kids and can make almost anyone smile. And I may want to change the world, but my job truly is about the science. Most patients are numbers to me. The ones I help are a testament to how much I've learned and how great my mastery over science and the scalpel is. The ones I don't save are a testament to how I need to try harder, learn more, and perfect my skills even more. I'd forget your birthday and holidays if not for various people reminding me, and I do forget anniversaries."

Sighing, he notes, "I provide you sex and company, and you provide so much more to me and everyone else. What's the trade-off for you?"

"Wow," Luke says, amazed. "You- you're even more insecure than I ever- Reid, I was worried about you needing something while I was in San Diego. You all but forced me on the plane. You encouraged me to submit that story I wrote for Ethan to that magazine. You refused to let me minimise things when it was published. You're the only one who actually helped me when I was having that crisis about whether to visit Damien or not. Before all that, once you stopped hating me, you're the one who helped me see that the way Noah was treating me wasn't right."

"The same way I've been treating you." '

"Well- yeah," he says, because he can see from the look in Reid's eyes and knows from his own feelings that trying to denial or minimise would be the wrong thing to do. "Why have you?"

"I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to be the type of person who does that, and I don't want that to be a part of any relationship I'm in."

"How do you feel, right now?"

It takes a moment for Reid to answer.

"Sad. Hurt. Angry at myself."

As much as Luke aches to reach over and try to banish those feelings, he knows they have to continue. "How do you feel about me?"

"The same way I usually do. You know," he says, and Luke's breath catches at the soft look on his face, "even when I never wanted to see you again, I liked seeing your smile."

"But you've forgiven me?"

"Luke," he sighs, "I was never angry or hurt enough for me to need to. I thought you still wanted Noah, and you can't help who you want. Who you love. I was the one who went in, despite knowing I could end up hurt. I'm not angry. If you want forgiveness, then, do what you need to do to be able to give it to yourself."

Nodding, he takes a brief second to enjoy the feeling of relief.

"I forgive you," he says. "You realised what you were doing-"

"Tell me, do you realise this is exactly what you did with Noah? I realised because your sister, showing her Snyder parentage, kidnapped my beeper and I eavesdropped on you and your ex-boyfriend."

Reid loves him, and Reid finally knows how much he loves Reid. He's not losing this.

"Noah rarely tried to fix things. It was always me. I doubt he ever felt as bad as you do. He hardly ever fully admitted it when something was his fault. However, you realised it, and you're taking responsibility. We can avoid this in the future."

"I haven't apologised."

He'll answer that in a minute. Right now, he says, "I know I shouldn't have allowed this, from you or Noah. I'll make you a promise to not do it again. You know how hard I try to keep my promises."

"Why did you?"

"Because, I love you, and I kept hoping you really did just need some time. That if I gave you some time, didn't get clingy, didn't do what I did with Noah, it'd work this time."

"And you didn't see the problem with any of that?"

"Of course, I did. I love you," he repeats. "You knew going in that I'm willing to do stupid, dangerous, and at times, illegal things for love."

"This is one of those times when that's anything but reassuring."

"Keeping my promises," he reminds Reid. "Look, I understand that this is a lot of for you take in, especially so suddenly. But I'm not willing to give up on us," he says, moving over and finally touching Reid, bringing Reid's fingers to his wrist. Locking eyes, he says, "So, I know you're sorry, and I forgive. Just say the words, and I'll tell you that again, and my pulse will tell you the same thing it's telling you now."

"It's not that-"

"You try hard to keep your promises, too. So, promise me that you won't do this again, and I'll promise to do something if you break that promise."

"And that's supposed to make everything better?"

"Yes," Luke insists. "Because I love you, and you love me, and we're here together. All it takes to make me happy is two promises. Find away a to forgive yourself, Reid, if you need more than just mine."

Reid lets out a pained sound, and his fingers twitch, leaving Luke with the sinking feeling he's about to withdraw.

"Alright," Reid says, instead, keeping their eyes steady. "I'm sorry. I had no right to treat you the way I did. If we give this another shot, you have to keep this promise, Luke. It's up there with taking care of your kidney."

"I promise," Luke says, feeling the fingers around his pulse, knowing Reid's looking past his eyes, to how his pupils react.

Reid leans forward to kiss him, and there's still some desperation, but there's also hope.

…

A few months later, Luke comes back from another trip and doesn't say, 'I didn't kiss anyone.'

Some part is tempted, but he's not sure why, and it's really not the sort of thing they joke about.

Once Luke's settled, Reid says, as he lets Jada, Faith's baby, play with his curls, "Our lease expires soon."

"I know," he says with a sigh. "I should be able to take time off whenever you can. Um, I promise, this time, I'll make sure we have a normal pen so that we don't have to borrow one of Nat's sparkly pink ones," he says, feeling his face turn red at the memory.

He loves his sister, but someday, when she completely outgrows those pens, he's going to have that story on reserve for when he needs to express how great a kid she was, or alternately, for when he needs to completely humiliate her.

"I've been informed she uses normal pens, now, for schoolwork and things other people are able to see, at least," Reid answers, sitting up. Handing Jada over, he says, "Feel free to veto it, but alternate suggestion: I take a week or two off, make it clear I'm only to be called if there's literally no one else available, and instead of renewing our lease, we get in touch with the realtor who helped Katie."

"What? Really?"

He tells himself to stop gaping and knows he's not listening.

"You're free to veto," Reid answers, neutrally.

"No," Luke says, automatically. He puts Jada in her playpen and places her baby xylophone inside. He knows it's too early even to think of such things, but if she ends up becoming a musician, he's going to tell everyone exactly how early he _knew_. "I mean, you want us to get a house?"

"I've been thinking about it," Reid answers, taking his hand and pulling him down onto the couch. "I haven't been emotionally abusive towards you, at least, for several months, and I'm assuming you haven't been kissing ex-boyfriends while out of town."

Laughing, Luke kisses him. "Yes," he answers. "We'll go with your plan."

After allowing the kiss to go on for a bit longer, Reid leans back, gently pushing him back. "Are you sure? This is one of the biggest steps in coupledom, I'm told."

"Reid," he says, as seriously as he can manage, "I think you should know that there's this hot, occasionally rude neurosurgeon I'm in love with. I know I probably should have told you sooner, but we both know I have some issues. Anyway, he and I really like to play doctor, and he wants to buy a house with me. When I'm away, doing work for the foundation, he's constantly on my mind, and the thought of coming home to him, to an actual house, is everything I want. So, I hope you don't object, but I'm taking his offer."

Reid grins and strokes his hand, and Luke suddenly remembers, _You are happy_.

They're finally back to that, he realises. Reid is secure and happy, and so is Luke.


End file.
